What do you see when you look in the mirror or a at picture of yourself? Do you see how happy you were? How pretty your eyes look when you wear blue? Chances are that you may see these things at first but then you start to pick yourself apart. You start to notice the flaws more than the beauty. As a person with body dysmorphia disorder (BDD) all I see is flaws, what could be better, what I wish I could change. Today, you’ll need some boots to wade through the mess that is my own body image. I’m going to share some pictures of myself and I’ll tell you what I see. Chances are you’ll think I’m full of shit (hence the boots) but this is what life is like when you all you can see is the ugly.
According to the Mayo Clinic: “Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental disorder in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that, to others, is either minor or not observable. But you may feel so ashamed and anxious that you may avoid many social situations.” (Mayo Clinic, 2018)
Picture #1: October 2016, Jeans size 3, shirt size small, height 5′ 2″, weight 124 pounds.
Here is what I see in this picture; forehead wrinkles, double chin, upper arms are fat, spare tire, hips too wide, fat thighs, fat squishing out of hole in jeans on left leg.
It amazes me how much weight is put on outer beauty from the time a child is born. I noticed this more with my daughter than my sons. One of my husband’s close relatives started commenting about her size when she was just an infant. She was a chubby baby but she was just healthy. The interesting thing was that her older brother was an even chubbier baby but nothing was ever said about his baby rolls. This went on through toddlerhood until she thinned out (just like her brother did) when she became more mobile. This is exactly the opposite of what I wanted for my children. My daughter to begin life obsessed with how she looks & my son hearing that women are valued by their size.
Picture #2: May 2015, jeans size 5, shirt size medium, weight 135 lbs (I’m embarrassed to type this weight and I still have to do it three more times). What I see (on myself, Jordan Knight looks perfect): I need a nose job, face too round, I hate the shape of my mouth, double chin, bat wing arm, Buddha belly, wide hips, fat thighs, chubby knee, fat calves.
I did not want my daughter to start her life the way that I did. So much emphasis was put on looks. My mom actually one time told me that I would probably die if I ever lost my looks (I have and for the record I haven’t died, but that is beside the point). My older sister was always the smart one and I was the cute one. It’s how we were branded. Part of it was personality, Heidi was always more reserved and I was always more ridiculous. So much of it though was looks. I was always told how cute I was, it became my identity. I had to be cute and pretty because that was all I had going for me. Heidi was very smart, I could never be as smart as her, all I had was my looks to get me by. This became an obsession for me at a very young age. I was always worried about how I looked. I started worrying about my size before I even hit puberty. When I did hit puberty eating disorders started. When I was 11 or 12 I remember being at a family get-together (grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, cousins) and my aunt talking to my mom about how I ate like a bird and how I was so tiny. Now these were not insults at all, this was high praise. I was doing something right. I got to a point where I never ate in front of anyone (I still hate eating in front of people), then to a point that I hardly ate at all. When I got upset or if I overate (or what I perceived as overeating) I made myself throw up. The first time in my life that I even weighed 100lbs came four or five months into my first pregnancy.
Picture #3: September 2016, shirt size small, weight probably about 135 lbs, ugh my nose, eyes are squinty, teeth too big, skin too pale, armpit fat, upper arm is fat, chubby sausage fingers, Danny is adorable.
The thing about the obsessing about being a certain pants size or weight is that no matter how small I was (or am) all I can see is flaws. No matter what the number on the scale says, I see someone much bigger in the mirror. I watch the shows “Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition” & “My 600 lb Life”, I think I look like the people on the show. Logically, I know I don’t. I can get out of my bed, I can walk with no problem, I’ve never weighed 200 lbs let alone 600 but in my mind that’s what I see. I spend hours looking in the mirror picking at this, trying to figure out how to fix that. I refuse pictures if I weigh too much at the time. There is hardly any evidence that I even existed when my children were babies because I was too hideous to be in pictures with them. We have had one professional family picture taken and that was almost 14 years ago. I won’t update my drivers license until I am the weight (or less) that it says I am. It all sounds so shallow and silly but that it is my reality. My reality is that all I can see in myself is ugly.
Picture #4: June 2017, pants size 5, shirts both medium, weight again around 135. This one is really hard to share because I feel I look extra large, fat face, still hate my mouth, double chin, I look pregnant, FUPA, big butt, big thighs. I am beginning to realize that pictures of me only happen if there is a New Kid involved.
So far I’ve mostly talked about my weight but I have issues with the rest of my appearance as well. It is widely speculated that Michael Jackson had BDD, hence all the plastic surgery. He was also never happy with how he looked, unfortunately for him he had the means to do something about those feelings of inadequacy. Unfortunately (in my opinion but probably for the best), I do not have Michael Jackson’s level of money or fame. I can’t just pay a plastic surgeon to fix everything I see wrong no matter how absurd it is. I have a list of procedures that I would have done just in case I suddenly gain a talent that creates stupid amounts of money for me. This list includes (just in case anyone wants to get me a Christmas present): Botox, forehead lift, nose job, lip injections, something to fix my double chin, liposuction, so much liposuction, a tummy tuck, and much more. Now, most people that have a cosmetic procedure do not have BDD. It’s the repeated procedures & forever long “wish lists” such as mine that are a problem. If there is a cosmetic procedure out there and I know about it you can correctly assume I’ve said “I need that!”.
Picture #5: October 2016, pants size small, shirt size small, shoes size 6 (that doesn’t matter but I loved those shoes), weight 124 lbs. Here we go: stupid nose, weird lines on neck, chubby arms, fat dimple on elbow, probably sucking my gut in, standing at just the right angle so I don’t look too wide, huge thighs.
Mental disorders are so misunderstood and stigmatized that always feel like I have to make a disclaimer at the end of my posts. I am not posting this as a way of fishing for compliments. Quite the opposite actually, I am hoping you will see what I see in these pictures. So you probably won’t see the 600 pound person that I see but what you might see is that BDD is in fact a real issue. I know that very few of us look at ourselves and see perfection. In fact I have a feeling more of you are probably identifying with me than I think. What I should see in those pictures is the shear joy of being with my New Kids, or the fun I was having being on vacation with one of my favorite people ever. I don’t, but I should. I should have taken pictures with my kids so they could look back when I am gone and see how much I loved them. But I didn’t and I am still not to a point that I can.
A few years ago I posted on Facebook about my depression and anxiety, a lady (about my same age) replied “I never would have guessed you have those problems, you’re too pretty”. I honestly laughed. For one outside looks have nothing to do with whether or not one develops a mental disorder. Another thing, she thinks I am pretty? She must need glasses…perhaps she is legally blind…or she was just trying to be nice. Her statement completely dumbfounded me. It showed me that how we perceive people is so often so very wrong. We find it so much easier to see the beauty in others than we see in ourselves. When I look at a picture of anyone else I don’t start looking for the bad, hell most of the time I don’t notice anything bad. Why then do I do it to myself? Why do you do it to yourself? My challenge for you today is to see something beautiful about yourself. Do for me since I can’t do it for myself. I want to see you to see your own beauty. Not just on the outside but what you like about your whole person. Make a list of five things you like about yourself: physical, emotional, personality wise, it doesn’t matter just any five things that you truly like about yourself. Next, write down five things you don’t like about yourself. Take the first list and put it up where you can see it as a reminder every day. Take the second list wad it up and throw it away. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life and besides I think you a beautiful the way you are.
Xo
Annie
Keeping the Sparkle 